chatting at the sky

if you have a minute or 83, hop over and meet my friend. her perspective on what really matters is mind-blowing, and you will not be disappointed.


you will be challenged, affirmed, comforted, and encouraged. but never disappointed.

God is big enough

last night i watched as John Walsh cried at a press conference. 27 years later, he still cries. my heart was broken for him...and my mind was swirling with confusion. in my heart i couldn't reconcile a God whose very nature is love with the pain this man has experienced for the last 27 years. the questions that were coming hard and fast in my mind scared me...i began to question things that i know, know, know to to be true. things that i teach my children every day- that God is love, that He is sovereign, that He is a father to the fatherless.

thankfully, i had a friend there to talk me through it. to remind me that God isn't afraid of my questions, that there is nothing off-limits with Him, and most importantly that He is big enough.
how great to have someone like that to be real with, to be transparent with...no veils...no masks. just me-questions and all.


My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do
The mountains are His, the valleys are His,
the stars are His handiwork, too
My God is so big, so strong and so mighty
There's nothing my God cannot do.

its all about the details

i believe that God is a God of details. that the smallest, most seemingly insignificant parts of my life matter. to Him. to a God that is bigger than my imagination and nearer than my breath. i believe He orchestrates every day, and that every day there are a million things He is having His sovereign hand in.

but what i really love is when he allows us to see a little bit of that.

i was blessed to be a part of a Bible study last year with some great ladies from a church that i do not attend. they are not an exclusive group, everyone is welcome. i just happened to see a sign-up sheet for a ladies study they were having and had the pleasure of being included in what was a great study. i haven't seen many (any) of those ladies since the study ended, and since i entered the witness protection program by changing my email address and getting rid of of our landline phone, i guess that chances of one of them getting in touch with me was pretty slim.

this is the part i love...

wedesday jamison and i had appointment for haircuts at 2:30. so we were on our way and it was like- 2:10. i really didn't want to get there too early as i was already a little apprehensive about jamison sitting patiently through her haircut AND mine. but, i didn't want to be late and upset my hairdresser who is cutting my 3-year old's hair for free anyway. i saw a rite-aid store and did the mental back and forth while sitting at the stoplight, and then thought i really needed to go in for some neti-pot refills. (i know, TMI, but it adds to the story. and if you haven't yet discovered a neti-pot, well then let me be the first to tell you they are like a spa treatment for your nose). there is a rite-aid and a wal-greens right beside one another- i have no particular preference of drugstore and started to pull into the rite-aid. at the last minute i remembered that my original neti-pot came from wal-greens (again, bear with the details) so i turned in there instead. as soon as jamison and i walked through those automatic doors i heard someone call my name. it was the sweet lady who facilitated our last study-who is the mother of the pastor of that welcoming church- who has been trying to get in touch with my witness protection program-self. her excitement was contagious as she told me about the study they are starting on january 5th. i gave her all my new info, rushed to buy my nasal spa treatment, and hurried to my now-waiting hairdresser. and as i contemplated all those events....the likelihood that she would be there on that particular day, that i almost didn't stop, that i almost went to the other drugstore....i am amazed and grateful that God cares enough about me to direct those small tiny moments.

and you can believe that when i am sitting in that Bible study on january 5th- i will be paying attention to what He has to say to me. especially to the details.

the new love of my life

grateful

this post is for you, lincoln, to read when you are a grown man. when you have a wife and children of your own. when you are wondering what it means to be a hands-on dad. what it means to really love your wife and what that love looks like. this post is for you.

and this post is for you, jamison, to read when you are a grown woman. when you have a husband and children of your own. when you are frazzled and frustrated and not sure quite why. when your children are zapping your energy and patience, and you feel guilty for that because, hey, they are YOUR children. this post is for you.

your daddy makes me grateful a thousand times a day that God orchestrated our meeting. that 11 years ago on a volleyball court i noticed him and he noticed me. grateful. a thousand times a day. and here is one of those times. yesterday, it was 20 degrees outside and lincoln, you were needing your outdoor time. the laundry was piled to the ceiling and the house was screaming for attention. and jamison, you just wanted to be loved and played with. so here i was trying to do all of those things at once, which as you know, never quite works. so, we waited for 2:00 to arrive. because at 2:00 you were both going to a birthday party across the street. if i could just make it until 2:00 without totally losing it, we would all be okay. so, i make it. and for an hour and a half i could try to make some progress. any kind of progress. in walks your daddy from work and i tell him all at once that i am discouraged and frustrated and not sure where to begin trying to make myself feel better. i tell him that today i haven't been the kind of mommy that i want to be and that i don't like days like that. this is what greeted him at the door. and do you know what he said? pay close attention here, kids, because this is the important part. nothing. he said nothing. instead, he went upstairs, changed out of his work clothes and walked across the street to a birthday party for a 4-year old girl where everyone was waiting to bust a Tinkerbell pinata. mind you the party wasn't over for another half hour, so he sat and i guess, chatted with the other moms who were there. then he loaded you both in the car and took you to Burger King for dinner. then to Baskin-Robbins for ice-cream. then to Wal-Mart to look at the toys. you were gone so long, that finally i was done with whatever progress i was trying to make and started missing you. when you guys finally got home, i was a new mommy. a fresh mommy. a mommy with enough patience and energy to do bathtime and storytime and bedtime....a good mommy. the kind of mommy i want to be, and that your daddy helps me be.

this, my dear children, is what real love looks like. and i am grateful.

i just remember the yelling

**disclaimer: it is with my husband's permission that i write this post and share our struggles as we try to be the kind of parents our children deserve.

last week will not go down in the archives of the Sawyer family as a stellar parenting week. not a lot of scream-free parenting going on. tensions were high, patience was short and feelings were hurt.

one night, after a particularly rough day, i was talking to lincoln as he lay in bed. i had listened from upstairs as mike had lost his cool with both kids. then later, i exploded when lincoln didn't move fast enough when i gave him instructions....which of course i interpreted as disrespect. anyway, i was apologizing and telling him how mommy really needs God's help to be a good mommy. that God is teaching me everyday to be patient and loving, to use kind words and a soft voice. i asked lincoln for his forgiveness, which he readily gave. then we had this conversation:

"did daddy talk to you about what happened downstairs?"
"yes."
"did he say he was sorry for yelling?"
"yes."
"what did he say?"
"i don't remember what he said. i just remember the yelling."

it is only by the grace of God that i can travel this journey called parenting and not totally screw up my kids. it is in revealing moments like this that God reaches into my heart and speaks to me through the voice of a 4 year old little boy.

what's in your wallet? nothing now.

admission tickets and ride books: $33

food, games, and other "essentials": $60

feeling like a kid again: priceless.

i 'aint missin' you at all

this is the longest lincoln and jamison have been away from one another. mike took linc to wilmington for a "boys weekend" and as a result, jami and i have been here having our "girls weekend". she has only asked me when lincoln and daddy are coming home around 15 times. 15 times. 15 times in two days. and you realize 3-year olds don't understand time so..."after church
on sunday" turns into, "but WHEN are they coming home?"

so, tonight when i answered the question again i asked her, "why do you want lincoln to come home?" i was expecting something along the lines of...so i can hit him or...so he can chase me or...because he is funny. but the answer i got was so much more telling.

"I just need him to come home."



Lord, please help my children to always need one another the way you have created them to.

girl time

some days you just need a girlfriend and a good jump on the trampoline.

we love you, channing!

becoming friends

imagine your husband. think of how much you enjoy his company- how much you like being with him. how he gets you. think of how glad you are that he chose you. and that you chose him. now imagine being with him- with no breaks. ever. no work to go to...no mom's-nights-out...no alone time. imagine that you don't even get a break from him when you take a bath. in fact, you didn't even get to choose him...someone chose him for you. how much do you like him now?

when mike and i contemplated having our children close together, one of my prayers was that a friendship would develop that would bless them. that they would have private jokes (when they are old enough to get them), that they would know one another like no one else does, that they would have memories from our family that no one else can appreciate. but one of the consequences of having children 19 months apart is that they are together a lot. all. the. time. in fact, jamison just moved up at church into lincoln's sunday school class. and now that we are homeschooling, well, you get the picture. let's just say not a lot of room...to...breathe.

so that is why the picture above makes my heart so happy. this is what has happened the past three nights at our house. a sleepover! like, "it's not enough that we are around each other 24-7 and we eat every meal together and watch every tv show together- why don't we SLEEP together too???"-- "yeah, great idea!!!"

Oh God, bless my children's friendship now and in the future. Help them to know that although they didn't have a chance to "choose" one another, you chose for them.

where's my life raft?

although i like to have a picture with every post, i decided to write anyway since i still haven't figured out why i'm having problems uploading my photos. so, here's our latest...

lincoln and jamison were in preschool last year- and lincoln the year before- at a great little preschool near our house. it was everything it should have been...fun, creative, low-stress. lots of coloring and painting and play-time. they had friends there and learned some things that impressed me (the pledge of allegiance). but the more time i spent there and the more i watched my children, i couldn't escape the nagging feeling that i could do all of that with them at home.

so...after many talks with God and mike, many lists of pros and cons, we've arrived here...in the unchartered waters of homeschool.


Do not let me sink...Psalms 69:14

technical difficulties...or operator error

to all my faithful blog followers, all 4 of you....

i am not intentionally ignoring you. i haven't posted lately because i am having trouble uploading my pictures to my blog. when i get it all figured out you will be the first to know.

stay tuned!

a masterpiece

today, as i was sitting down combing a knot out of my three-year old's hair- another mundane moment in our regular routine called life- she looks up at me, cups my face in her hands and says, "GOD PAINTED YOU!"

oh God, help me to be the masterpiece my daughter believes me to be- and that you know me to be.

the hardest best thing

parenting is the hardest thing i have ever done. ever. harder than making it through my teenage years. harder than college. but its also the best thing i've ever done. the hardest best thing i've ever done. today i told mike that even on the best parenting days- ya know, days with no major meltdowns, fights or injuries, days where you actually feel like you said a few things that connected with your kids- it is still so hard! as we were putting the kids to bed tonight i thought, "today was pretty uneventful--- i mean, it was full, but nothing too out of the ordinary---and i am still WORN OUT!" after a l-o-n-g drawn out bedtime, lincoln was still wanting me to lay with him. i was so tired, and so ready to have some time to shut my brain down- but i always have the nagging feeling that one day, sooner than i would like to think, he isn't going to want me to lay with him at night. so we laid- and we talked. and talked. we talked about the birthday party we went to today, our neighbors, why one of the gyms in our town has a trampoline and the other doesn't...let's just say we weren't solving world hunger. and in the midst of all that, just as i was gearing up to say, "okay, buddy, i'm going out now", this is what took place:

"mama, will you come back in tonight after i fall asleep and pray for me?"
"sure buddy- do you want me to pray now?"
"yeah, but come back in after i sleep and pray too."
"okay" ---insert prayer here----
"mama, does Jesus close his eyes when we pray?"
"ya know, i think he does."
"well how can he watch over me if his eyes are closed?"
l-o-n-g pause- "i think God is watching over us while Jesus is closing his eyes with us."
"OH...God is watching us while Jesus prays with us."
"yeah, buddy, i think that's how it works."

there are lots of parenting days where i feel like i've come up short- that this "hardest best thing" is too hard and i will be lucky if i can just coast on through. but if lincoln can grow up knowing that Jesus prays with him while God watches over him it will be worth it all.

monkey bars milestone

jamison navigating the monkey bars for the first time. all by herself.

before i know it she will be driving.

the joys of boys

is there anything that says summer more than a sweaty-headed boy and his baseball glove?
tonight lincoln's first season of t-ball came to an end. it has been interesting to watch a bunch of 4 and 5 year
old kids, many of whom didn't even know where first base was, try to play an "organized" game of t-ball.
with lincoln's first game, his first at-bat, mike and i instantly joined the ranks of sideline parents across the world.
and i realized....i'm one of them. the ones who think (know) their kid is the best. the ones who yell the loudest.
the ones who are the proudest. lincoln's first game changed not only him, it changed me. but then again, doesn't
that just sum up parenting?

i love you, buddy, and i really do know that you are the best. ~mama

a princess and a pig

her favorite color is pink. she loves cinderella. she believes she is a princess because mommy and daddy tell her she is a child of the King. and she can gnaw a baby back rib down to the bone. that's our girl and she's three. and yes, cinderella is real and came to her party. how can you top that???

another year gone by....

jamison turned 3 on august 15th, 2008- is it possible that my baby girl is three? wasn't i just bringing her home from the hospital, facing the long, sleepless nights with a 19 month old and an infant? those days seem like a blur in my mind, and before i know it here i am with a 4, soon to be 5 year old, and an independent, spirited three year old. amazing. i am blessed beyond measure as i daily get to parent these precious ones. every day a new adventure, full of challenges, successes and failures. but most importantly- love.

in the beginning...

so i have decided to start a blog. another thing that i said i would NOT do....but here i am, typing away. my main reason for creating this blog is to leave a legacy for lincoln and jamison- one that does not involve scrapbook paper, acid free pens, and/or stickers of any kind. yep. sorry creative memories, but i am over it. i can't take the clutter in my office any more! and the constant feeling of guilt that all those pictures aren't getting cut and pasted into cute albums. as a result, i have arrived here, in the world of downloaded photos and typewritten words with the hopes that when lincoln and jamison read this they will still know that i love them, even without a sticker.